Honesty is something that weighs heavy on my mind today. It is not because I have been dishonest. It is, however, something that is considered on an interpersonal level, when I believe it would be better to approach honesty from the source, within.
I guess if I want to boil it down to honesty within myself, I should admit to myself that I DID start my day in a dishonest way. I told myself I wouldn’t drive when I don’t need to, but found myself behind the wheel this morning. I could make excuses for my actions. In fact, I started a different blog post this morning with just those excuses as the starter. I have had a reality check. Excuses aside, I am in command of my decisions and the repercussions that result from those decisions. I can walk around with a chip on my shoulder thinking everyone else is directly affecting my well-being, without taking responsibility for the implications of my own inner dialogue. We all talk to ourselves. Are you being honest with yourself?
Some 4 years ago my partner of 9 years and the mother of my son Eli, who is now 6, finally decided to call it quits. We were living dishonestly with ourselves, and each other, as well as everyone else. Which means that we were being dishonest with our son as well. The relationship was filled with dishonesty and mistrust on both our parts, and it ended with me having sexual relations with another woman and of course, being dishonest about it. It was simply the hair that broke that camels back, all that dishonesty kept rolling forward. My former partner and my best friend at the time were starting to get more intimately involved, and denying it. The thought of them being together was not what hurt me the most, but the dishonesty and deceit took it’s toll. Couple those awkward thoughts with the shock of returning to everyday life after a 2+ month bicycle tour across the country, and I was devastated.
From September 2012 to February 2013 I spent much of my time in bed sleeping my shitty life away. I had nightmares when I was sleeping, which furthered my downward spiral and added the the cycle. I didn’t care about being a part of anyone’s life. I didn’t want to be alive. I never really wanted to die, nor would I have the tenacity to end my own life, however, I rode a thin line between the realms of suicide and depression. This is me being honest, because people need to know that cheerful, gregarious, highly intelligent people are just as susceptible to falling down and not being able to pick themselves back up. Luckily for me I had a safe-haven in my brothers foreclosed house, and a now defunct, possibly reinstated couple who were compassionate towards my condition and never made me feel like I was a burden or any worse of a person for dragging myself through the muck and the guck.
As honesty relates to my current life, it finds it’s way in good form. By form, I mean the way I present myself as a whole. Plato’s divided line has helped me find guidance for my form and the intelligible truths that are held within forms and proofs. I spent a lot of my life consumed by things, imagery, trust and imagination. My former method of self-talk was jaded and cynical. I could shift blame to my father, who justified similar self-talk patterns by stating he is a realist. I contend that the difference between a realist and a miserable ass is a few vocabulary words, but I could be wrong. Regardless of influence, I occupied the space of a miserable ass. Finding form and living truthfully involves thoughts, not just descriptive words formulated by the ego to cope with stress. Sometimes, these thoughts are revealing, and sometimes the revelations leave me exposed and vulnerable. In this form, the exposed and vulnerable form, I am being as real as I possibly can. I strip away the opinion I have, and look for the verifiable truth.
Occasionally this honesty is a blessing band a curse in social life and relationships. I find myself speaking up on others behalves when they lack the assertive qualities to do-so for themselves. I call people out on bullshit when the bullshit is influencing others opinions and actions. I find myself holding my ground when I know i’m right in a situation and the general consensus does not share my perspective. However, these qualities are far more effective for growth and prosperity compared to being a miserable ass. As an added benefit, when I stand my ground in opposition of the group I am justified, and later thanked for my position. When I speak up on others behalves I am giving a voice to those who would otherwise be mute, and occasionally it clears the space for the formally silent party, allowing the true voice of the situation to be heard. And when i call people out on bullshit I open myself to attack, which I find a welcome challenge for continued growth. I answer all these situations with clarity and a calm that provides a conscious reflection of the situation, rather than a senseless attack against a character. I allow an openness that supplies a space for emotions to release and opinions to unfurl into a pile that can be picked up and put away.
If I were to give an example of being true, I could talk about when one of my friends was very emotional late one evening after a rave and screamed at me repeatedly to leave her house. I slowly packed my things, and made sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. After the 3rd or 4th time of her screaming at me to hurry up and leave I turned to her and said, “I apologize if I am taking a lot of time to gather my things, but when I leave here I’m really leaving, and I’m not coming back until you ask me to.” To which she responded, “Good! I don’t care if you never come back. I don’t ever want to see you again, and I don’t care if I never see you again!” She was crying as she said the last few words. She transitioned from those hateful, dishonest words to her truths. She started exclaiming that she didn’t want anyone to leave her house(there were 3 others involved that evening), and she didn’t want her friend and housemate to be hiding from her in someone else’s apartment, and she didn’t want her boyfriend to be fighting with her, and…. on and on the honesty came flowing. She was finally coming back into her intelligible self, no longer hiding behind a veil of pride and angst. At that moment I held her, and not being able to hold her in that emotional space we both fell to the floor, embracing, crying. It was the beginning of the end of the dishonesty for that evening. I decided when she was screaming at me that I would express my truths to her, rather than reflect her anger and anxiety back at her, and it worked. It also sparked my current path.
So here I walk. It’s lonely here from time to time. I find solitude in many activities these days, without the sorrow of loneliness weighing heavy on my shoulders. Truth and true forms is something I desire more company in. We all struggle to find the truth, to understand the truth, to accept the truth. It’s easier to omit truths at times, to ourselves and to others. For the well-being of the world I ask that anyone who reads this re-evaluates the truths you know, and the ones you think you know. There is not much that is as it appears on the surface. Some of the most beautiful fruits are rotten on the inside, and some of the strongest walls will crumble if they are picked at in the right place. Honesty doesn’t imply enlightenment or illumination, but it’s not a bad start.